I’m currently rewriting my memoir, the one I published in 2015.

Why am I rewriting it?

Because it’s wrong.

I laugh at this.

Since early childhood I’ve been fascinated in facts, fascinated in the news and fascinated in politics.

Ironically this combined fascination led me into an almost 20 year career in the UK National Audit Office rising to a senior leadership position within the organisation. And this role spring-boarded me into a role in the Victorian Auditor-General’s Office which I enjoyed immensely and which ultimately led to my emigrating permanently from UK to Australia.

All this whilst my “sleeping brain” withheld a diagnosis of bipolar (not a disorder imho).

So where am I going with this?

Well from early childhood I had this high metabolism. I could eat anything and not put on any weight. I also was in some ways a highly anxious individual and a perfectionist – an interesting combination.

I had no idea at the time where the source of this imbalance lay.

I do now.

So in a way I have a diagnosis of bipolar and my childhood upbringing to thank for an amazing career and life resulting in my travelling the world for both work and for pleasure. I’ve yet to count the number of countries I’ve visited but they include The United States, Russia, most of Western and Eastern Europe, Morocco, New Zealand and parts of Asia, India and Bangladesh. All with a “sleeping diagnosis” of bipolar.

It was only when I emigrated permanently to Australia that my rollercoaster experience with my mental health began.

I’d had prior low levels issues of depression and sought help but to no resolution. I was also high energy and a high performer which led to my successful career.

Unyet I’d return home exhausted energetically and emotionally.

I had no idea what was happening within me.

In essence my autonomic nervous system was anchored into drama, more subconscious than conscious, but most likely a result of both inherited family trauma stored within my DNA combined with the (to be honest) weird family dynamic I experienced as a child into my later teenage years.

I had no idea the impact this experience would have on my mental health at the time.

I do now.

Using your multiple brains to do cool stuff by Grant Soosalu and Marvin Oka was the book I needed when I was seeking answers post-diagnosis .

I still can’t get my head round [funny use of language eh?] how unfit for purpose the mental health system and services are globally.

I’ve done all the work myself in essence.

And that’s why I am rewriting my memoir.

To share my story.

To demystify mental illness and the diagnosis of bipolar.

And to share my understanding the root cause of the diagnosis and how it is possible for healing and recovery to be achieved.

In fact I believe it is deeper than that.

I’ve achieved a dream life I did not know was mine.

I’ve gone from a high performing career and city lifestyle which I really did not enjoy to a much calmer lifestyle in the country.

The irony is I grew up as a child in the country in a village and I feel in some ways my life has come full circle.

Maybe it’s time to share what I’ve learned along the way.

Maybe it’s time to share my truth that bipolar is not a disorder but an imbalance rooted in the misunderstanding of the family dynamic and the roles played by mother and father during those formative years.

I’ve read many memoirs on bipolar.

They helped me heal and recover.

I’m so grateful to have reached out to those who’ve gone before me.

To understand that whatever mental illness we’re diagnosed with, we can through following the science, heal and recover by aligning our heart and gut and nourishing both to heal and recover our brains from whatever they’ve previously experienced.

The science details that our brains are constantly rewiring through neuroplasticity – The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge is a fascinating read.

Further we can reconfigure our DNA if we so choose – Inheritance: How Our Genes Change Our Lives—and Our Lives Change Our Genes by Sharon Moalem is another read.

So if we are feeling stressed or a tad exhausted, maybe take a moment and ask yourself – what’s happening to me here? What’s happening to my alignment through head, heart, gut? Am I in balance through my inner creativity, inner compassion, inner courage? Am I living through my highest values to effect a daily calm and happy flow through my life? Am I anchored into calmer?

Or am I anchored into drama whilst failing to hold myself accountable for my behaviour and the outcomes I’m facilitating through my actions?

Drama or Calmer?

You decide?

Believe me you’ll notice how different life can be when you make wiser choices.